Thursday, 7 January 2016

Imperfectly perfectly imperfect

I watched a show where relationships were compared to drugs in one episode. Take the drug away and on come the withdrawal symptoms. Post-break-up feelings were equated to drug withdrawal. Makes sense, right?

Talking to a friend about a guy I was in a situationship with, I compared him to a flame. He was my flame. I was drawn to him but felt like it wouldn't end without pain, but I kept not pulling away. So yeah, lame as it sounds, he was my flame. And it ended in pain.

I wasn't in love with him (though I probably could be, and really deeply, at some point) but I fell deep in like with him. As with every situationship, it was complicated and confusing and exciting and held promise for so much good. It moved a way too fast but it felt so damn good. And then this and that happened and then it was over and there was pain and anger and frustration and blame and anger and sadness and anger and thinking it all through which brought with it doubt and anger and relief and then more anger and not to mention the countless tear drops; the silent ones that trickle down the cheek in single file, the really strong ones that come out with this great force, causing your entire body to tremble and all you can do is hug yourself and wait for it to stop, the phantom tears that get stuck inside your eyes but other than that every other action says you're crying. Then you have all these questions you ask yourself and you try and make sense of everything but you just find yourself going round and round in circles none the wiser. First hours, then days, then weeks and then over a month of all this cursed feeling and you wonder how? How are you exposed to such an array of emotions when you weren't even that deeply involved? You'd know if you were, right? You just want it to end. And you want him back. But then again you go back to a certain question; how?

How do you go back to before? Before where there was honesty and a clear communication line? Before where it was real and there were no games? Before where you believed in what he showed you he felt? Before where you were trying to look past your general doubts and overcome your trust issues? Before where you wanted nothing more than his perfect imperfections? How do you go back to before he opened a gate of half truths and outright lies? How do you go back to before he showed you that there is a dodgy side to him that justified your initial misgivings about him? How do you restore your admiration for his depth and honesty when it has been tarnished by his shallowness and deception? How do you go back to not just seeing his imperfectly perfect imperfections? So you want him back more than anything in the world right now but then what? Because he took what was good and made it dirty. So how do you look at him the same? How do you even feel the same about him? But there is just that chance that what he felt was real. There is that chance that you would be able to give it all a fresh start. There is the chance that you both have a chance, or rather a second chance, that could work. But, what are the odds of that happening?

Where once I had an ex who during the relationship and after felt like a whirlwind, he felt and feels like a drop of ink spreading out on blotting paper. Whatever feelings inside of me that were inspired by him started small but quite fast they spread and consumed me and after we were done, just like the positive feelings, the post-break-up feelings started small and now I'm consumed.

I didn't believe I was hooked, but he was my drug and now that I can't get my high I'm having a hard time dealing.

And just the way a moth can't resist a flame, I'm still drawn to mine. Despite the burn, there's a part of me that still holds admiration for him. That part still wants to be wrapped in his arms. That part wants to find comfort from all this pain in his embrace. But it's all just deranged, wishful thinking. Or maybe not?

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